Please consider the following resumes for future employment at your tech company
Brian Shaw
kmcclain@mcclain.com
Yale Law School
Juris Doctor
2004–2007
University of Pennsylvania
BS, Computer Science
2000–2004
Facebook
Head of Cybersecurity Policy at Facebook
2015 — Present
Developed and coordinated administrative policy on cybersecurity technology. We arbitrarily pursued and applied policy goals so as not to disrupt the dominance of our platform. We were well aware that Buddhist extremists were using Facebook to instigate hatred and violence against the Rohingya minority. Myanmar was a success story at Facebook and there is a delicate balance between maintaining success and life. I delicately managed that balance until after a year and 25,000 dead, at which point, we did the least we could possibly do: banned 4 groups. In 2016, oversaw our response to Russia’s attempt in manipulating U.S. elections through advertising, Facebook groups, and bots. It wasn’t until late in the summer that we noticed what happened, but our objective — to do nothing — was accomplished.
UN Cybersecurity Council
Director
2012–2015
Established and coordinated cybersecurity policy on internet technology; responsible internet governance; cybersecurity legislation; international cyber deterrence; preventing exploitation of technology by people like Erdoğan in Turkey. Investigated potential flaws and weaknesses in various technologies that could be exploited by undemocratic countries looking to use technology to advance their interests and shared those findings with Chinese officials.
Cybersecurity Strategy Partners LLC
Cybersecurity Technology Liaison, China
2008–2012
Consulted with Chinese government officials to offer safe and secure web technologies to the people of China. We used facial recognition software to develop a highly intricate social scoring program with much success.
Effigy
Chief Security Officer
2007–2009
Responsible for creating and administering cybersecurity. Developed strategies for assessing and mitigating risk, manage crises and incidents, maintain continuity of operations, and safeguard the organization.
HumanityNow
Volunteer
1998–2000
Taught basic computer skills to impoverished adults in Ghana. Managed IT for the organizations headquarters in Accra.
Interesting Facts
I like the idea of foie gras
My mother thinks I’m a sociopath
Mike Huang
skullcrusher69@gmail.com
University of Santa Barbara
BA, Russian Literature
2009–2016
CodeHumpers Node JS Bootcamp
2017
Uber
2017–2018
Hiring Manager
Worked with engineering teams to fulfill roles through nepotism, fraternity connections, co-ed basketball league. Used my connections to build extensive networks of homogeneous working teams. We worked diligently to make sure outsiders were made to feel as such and pushed to cultivate a bro-down culture: hard work, harder play. Nice.
Uber
2017–2018
Developer
Shipped features like recognizing when a user’s battery is low, the app would raise fares. Prevent drivers from earning a living if they slipped below a 4.7 rating. Took what I learned at Lyft and gave it to Uber. More keg stands.
Lyft
2017–2018
Developer
Worked with database engineers to store massive amounts of data about riders without their knowledge, and developed algorithms to model their future behavior. Keg stands.
kRyPt0 Koin
2017–2018
Developer
Wrote our blockchain tech stack.
FrtGram (uBrp pivot)
2017–2018
Entrepreneur & Co-founder
Co founder of an app that allows you to record your farts and send them to your friends.
uBrp
2016–2017
Entrepreneur & Co-founder
Co founder of an app that allows you to record your burps and send them to your friends.
Whole Foods Inc
Grocery Packaging Specialist
Worked hand in glove with various team members who scanned grocery items which were handed off to me to delicately assemble in bags made of recycled compost and trees with the utmost care to provide clients with the best possible shopping experience.
Who am I?
I can lift like 280
I like to express myself through starting new businesses
Wendy Brown
wendy@floralsandpastels.net
The Savannah College of Art and Design
BFA, Painting — Watercolor
2002–2006
Twitter
UI Designer
2016-Current
LOL
Netflix
UI UX
2014–2016
Our competition wasn’t other streaming services, it is your attention span. In order to keep eyeballs glued to Netflix, despite millions requests from users, we helped design and refine customer engagement and retention by making it easier to binge TV shows through features like auto play trailers, skip intro, and next episode.
Story Time Co.
Artist
2007–2014
Artist, using multiple mediums, for a children’s book publishing company.
The Fun Stuff
I use bumble for free dinner
I like calling the police on black people
neo
okay1488@jl5xgfuvpdf6otjiycgwqbym2qad.onion
nsa
developer
ss security solutions
white hat developer
The Neo
i read 8chan
i post dank memes on 8chan
mlp
ps…. this is all your getting on my resume you came to me remember?
Would you hire any of these prospective candidates? If the answer is no, consider that the next time those companies appear on a resume, they will not be so forthright. No one individual owns the seemingly daily catastrophes in tech, obviously. Companies are made up of people. Some good, some bad. But they’re all part of a process designed to scale important decisions which affect real people in real time. Executives, department heads and average employees all worked collectively to deliver us this hellscape, but consider that these people made a conscious decision to work for these companies, even after their bad deeds have been exposed time after time.
Many people in tech have impeccable credentials, the top firms are said to hire the best and the brightest. Yet those firms continue to make decisions that negatively affect others in profound ways, and they rarely work quickly to fix those problems. The result is usually less course correction and more deflection. Wise decisions, are made by asking questions that are meant to prevent and mitigate a lot of the mistakes these firms make, such as should we do this? Could this go badly? What might happen if…? How can we prevent that…? One would think a liberal arts education at an elite university would impart such wisdom on their graduates. Sadly, it doesn’t.
That’s why I think tech needs an enema. The power belongs to you, you have the choice of tossing a ‘stellar’ resume into the trash, and giving someone an opportunity who deserves it.
